Old Farting Advice
This is where I store old questions.

Wednesday, October 20, 1999

Jeremy writes...

    Dear Cote, I'm going on a trip to Canada (B.C.) in a few days, are there any special preparations I should make?

AskCote responds...

    Oh yeah. You should should bring a portable bed with you at all times, since you will be so tried of laughing at all the stupid Canadians you are gonna meet. They are so freaking stupid. They smell like shit. They eat way to much bean dip. They have vary large asses. Most Canadians think they know how to program and try to fool american software companies into hiring them. A fucking Canadian doesn't even know how to use a a toilet correcty (this explains the permaent canadian odor) let alone be a part of a prominet software company. Some notable canadians: puff dady, vanila ice, MC flamethrower, some stupid retard from (d)id(n't) software, and Vanilli and milli(famous for:"Girl you know I'm canadian, ooh ooh ohh...I shit my pants"). I use a car to get to work.

 

Canadian Bake-In writes...

    Cote, what should be done with these corner smugglers? Like you are trying to sleep, and you wake up in the middle of the night to find a monkey smugglin and snugglin with every corner of the comforter. Should the monkey be caged, spanked, thanked or flanked?

AskCote responds...

    First off monkeys like to smell farts. If you are find yourself being woken up by a monkey stealing your blan(pat)key in the middle of the night in Canada then that establishes the fact then your are indeed a fucking Canadian. Canadians smell of Goat urine and rotten mull sweat. This would explain why the monkey likes to steal your blanket. Please try changing your nationality as soon as posable. Nobody likes a smelly Canadian. Thank you and please refer all future questions to sombody who gives two shits and a fart. My middle name is eldante.

 

The Cleveland Steamer writes...    

    Sometimes I fart out of my butt and its like really hot. Almost to the point of burning the flesh around my butthole. Is this a problem or could be using this to inflict damage on people/animals/small buildings?

AskCote responds...

    I understand your concerns completely. This is normal for a man to have these sensations around his lava hole. A Lava Blast Carpet Duster is nothing to joke abut. LBCD is treatable by drinking lots of new bedford water. Please use caution when you feel these lava blasts. Never point your butt hole in the direction of people, animals, or small buildings. LBCD is not to be confused with LBDBC, or Lava Blast Dingle Berry Cluster. In order to treat LBDBC you need you stop eating foods that contain stiches, grain, protien, fat, sugar, wood, water, or food. Thank you for your time and please come again. I use a DJ Jazzy jeff on my popcile poo stick.

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