Old Farting Advice
This is where I store old questions.

Weary Traveler writes...

    I'm going to be going on several longass flights in the near future. How should I entertain myself? I've tried kicking the seat in front of mine repeatedly, but that lost its charm after I turned six. Throwing the airline food on my neighbor or flight attendant is also no longer as much fun as it used to be. Should I try to join the "mile-high" club? If so, how should I approach the lucky lady?

AskCote responds...

    K, I know what it feels like to be bored. I spent about 2 hours a day on the shitter. I shit my pants yesterday by the way. First, get out of your seat and pick a lady, any hot mama will do. Grab the nearest optical time domain reflectometer, or OTDR. Place the OTDR on the floor in front of her and tell her that you need to take her optical levels. Screw the BNC connector into her eye socket. You should hear a snap. If the lady does scream feel free to hit her on the head with the closest fanny pack. Turn the power on and hit the big test button. It's not very hard to miss since it has this big nuclear radiation symbol with a familiar death skull beside it. The test should take about 30 seconds. If the lady becomes unresponsive you may have to use the fanny pack again. When the test is complete you will hear a loud "raw meat slapping on table" sound. A convenient bar graph should appear with a legend and a distance to open value. If the value is greater than 500 feet and you are at the LGX bay the trouble is prolly out of the cable vault. It's time to dispatch out! If the value is less than 500 feet this means that you have probable farted and it stinks. Oh, if you can't find a OTDR during your flight, you might as well show all the ladies your dancing pony. Until then, good night and please have a safe fart.

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